he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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