I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
