a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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