I like to think it a success when the cops are called
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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