dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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