This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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