he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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