a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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