fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
