his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
