I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
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