Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
