some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
