Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
