We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
