I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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