Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
