She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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