even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
