i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
