Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
