Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
