she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
