While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
