The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Randomize
