my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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