Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
