I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
