I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You took a bar mat shot.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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