No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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