Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i think i just lost a toe
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
