it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.