I never want to see another naked old woman again.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.