Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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