nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
