after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
