I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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