he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
