Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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