we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
