I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
pray to the hookup gods
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
