Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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