the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The power of my boobs compel you
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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