Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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