If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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