I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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