I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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