...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Your penis caused this!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize