My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
