If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
