I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
