just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize