I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
