So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
