i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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